he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
