I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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