She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
