Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
