im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
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Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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