did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
