She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
