the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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