I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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