Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
