I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sober January is a disaster.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
