dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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