can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
