Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
