Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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