tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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