i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
