Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
