i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
