never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
