I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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