Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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