one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
