I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
