Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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