I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
