non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
