My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
