I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
