you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He better not be in your backpack
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Randomize
