theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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