remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
