I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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