You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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