i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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