i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
