I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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