Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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