Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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