I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
