Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
