I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think my moral compass just broke
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
