he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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