woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
