Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What a dumb baby whore.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
