After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
