I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
