Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
And then he peed in my hair
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