Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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