Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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