That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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