ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
