I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
