my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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