I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
