Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
